“That’s Not Fair!” Helping Kids Handle Comparison and Money
- Tyler Lavoie
- Jan 20
- 4 min read
Sooner or later, every parent hears it.
“That’s not fair.”
“Why do they have that and I do not”
“Why do they get to go there and we cannot”
It might be about toys.
Trips.
Bedrooms.
Birthdays.
On the outside, it sounds like complaining.
On the inside, it is usually something softer.
“I feel left out.”
“Do we have enough”
“Am I okay”
You are not just managing money in these moments.
You are caring for their heart.
What Kids Really Mean When They Say “That’s Not Fair”
Young kids do not have adult language for comparison.
So it all comes out as “fair” or “not fair.”
Underneath, they may be feeling things like:
Confused. “Why is their life different from mine.”
Worried. “Do we not have enough.”
Jealous. “I want what they have.”
Hurt. “Am I missing out on something important.”
When we rush to fix or shut it down, they lose a chance to learn.
When we lean in, we can turn it into a conversation about values, choices, and enough.
Step One. Feel Before You Fix
The first step is not to explain.
It is to connect.
You might say:
“It looks like that felt hard.”
“You really wish you had that too.”
“It is okay to feel sad about it.”
You are not agreeing with them.
You are letting them know their feelings are allowed.
Once they feel understood, they are more able to hear what comes next.
Step Two. Give Simple Truth Without Shame
After you connect, you can gently add truth.
Here are a few phrases you can use:
“Every family makes different choices with their money.”
“We do not buy everything we want. We choose what matters most for our family.”
“They have some things we do not. We have some things they do not.”
Notice what you are not saying.
You are not saying:
“We are broke.”
“They are spoiled.”
“You should just be grateful.”
Shame might shut the conversation down.
But it does not teach wisdom.
Calm, simple truth does.
Step Three. Talk About Choices, Not Just “Can” Or “Cannot”
Kids often think money is only about “can we” or “can’t we.”
You can slowly teach them it is also about “will we” and “will we not.”
You might say:
“We could spend our crumbs on that toy, but we are choosing to save for something bigger.”
“We are choosing more nights together at home instead of more big trips.”
“We are choosing to help others with some of our money this month.”
This teaches that:
Money is not just about what is possible.
It is about what you value.
You are inviting them into the idea that money choices tell a story about your family.
Step Four. Create a “Fair” They Can See
Kids have a strong sense of fairness.
You can help them see fairness in a new way.
For example, you can say:
“Fair does not always mean the same. Fair means everyone gets what they need.”
With siblings, you might explain:
“Your sister is older, so she has extra jobs and extra responsibilities. That is why her money looks different.”
“When you are older, you will have more chances too.”
You can also show them what is “fair” inside your own home:
Make a simple family chart of “what we all share” and “what is special for each person.”
Talk about how time, hugs, help, and attention are all part of the family’s “riches,” not just stuff.
This helps them see that worth is not measured only in toys and trips.
Step Five. Help Them Notice Their “Enough”
Comparison grows when kids only see what they do not have.
Contentment grows when they also see what they do have.
You can build small habits like:
Naming three things they enjoyed that day.
Saying, “What is something you are glad we have in our family?”
Looking around their room together and saying, “You are rich in books, or blocks, or art supplies.”
You are not ignoring what they wanted.
You are adding a wider picture.
Over time, this teaches them that “enough” is not a number.
It is a way of seeing.
Step Six. Turn Comparison Into Curiosity
When your child says, “They have more than us,” you can also gently explore it.
You might ask:
“What do you notice that they have”
“What do you think their family might choose to spend less on”
“What is something you like about our family’s choices”
You do not need to know their real budget or life.
You are simply helping your child see that every family is making trade offs.
This shifts their focus from “they are better” to “they are different.”
What To Say In The Heat Of The Moment
Sometimes you are not in a quiet place.
You are at a birthday party.
Or walking out of school.
Or in the store.
In those moments, you can keep it simple:
“I hear you. It feels not fair right now.”
“We will talk more about this later at home.”
Then, when things are calm, come back to it.
“Remember when you said it was not fair that your friend got that toy. Can we talk about that together now”
Repairing later counts.
It still teaches.
You Are Teaching More Than Money
When you walk your child through comparison, you are not just teaching about stuff.
You are teaching them how to:
Sit with big feelings.
See what they have, not only what they lack.
Respect other families’ choices without judgment.
You are shaping how they think about worth, enough, and themselves.
The goal is not to raise a child who never feels “That’s not fair.”
The goal is to raise a child who can feel it, talk about it, and find their footing again.
One honest conversation at a time.
One phrase at a time.
One “that’s not fair” turned into understanding instead of shame.
Remember,
